is it too late, have i f'd it all up???

well i'd be lying if i said life has been nice and mellow as of late. life has been hard, exams, finances, jobs, relationship......

i don't want this post to be a negative one or one where i show my difficulty..so i'm gonna try to stick to the facts.

exams, yes 2...first didn't go so well...2nd didn't go well either 4points shy, that's one question...and no alternative but to retake it.
finances, geeze not doing so well.. every little thing that could go wrong has gone wrong, well not everything but certainly feels that way right now.
jobs, had a good one, was happy..then with the exam situation was released.. now at the ski shop turning screws which isn't bad but not what i have an expensive degree for.
relationship, and hence the title of this post.... i've never been good at this aspect of life, my history is there as proof. i've found someone that i love very deeply and think i've done things to screw it all up. i love her so much that i've thought many times about taking it further and asking her to join me in marriage to spend the rest of our lives together, but once again proof that i suck at relationships i haven't done any of that, haven't even talked about any of that with her.

why i love her: (this is a short, very incomplete list as there are simply too many things to list or think about at any one point in time)
-for who she is
-for how she views the joys in life
-for her strength
-for her love of family
-for her drive
-for how passionate she is about a whole barrage of things
-for putting up with me
-for her kindness
-for her willingness to help
-for how she makes me want to be and am a better person even though it may not show

ways i've screwed it up: (once again this is a short, very incomplete list as there are simply too many mistakes i have made to list or think about at any one point in time)
-being grouchy
-unwillingness to make the trek to her
-allowing myself to get frustrated with her instead of talking things through
-not talking about things as they become apparent, allowing them to build and her frustrations to grow
-keeping myself sheltered from her
-being private
-not telling her i love her enough
-not showing affection
-not doing appropriate leg work to assure her happiness
-allowing her to loose trust in me
-loosing trust in her
-trying to sneakily look through her phone instead of just asking
-never voicing my interest to take it to the next level
-not professing my love to her
-not putting on a happy face during times of hardship(between us) around her family
-not taking her christmas gifts to christmas morning
-not respecting you saying no
-not respecting your wishes to not sleep in the same bed under your parents roof
-not speaking loud enough for you to hear
-not talking to you when i know i should
-not opening up to you when you need me

whatever comes of this relationship i will never forgive myself for doing the stupid crap listed above that has probably lead to loosing such a wonderful loving person. i would do anything, yes anything, to make everything right between us and continue to have you be such a huge part of my life.

Lacy I Love You,
Alex